Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
