He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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