wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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