She went from zero to smokin in five shots
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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