Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
