On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
