The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
