Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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