In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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