Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize