she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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