if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
