god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
