Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
