I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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