The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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