dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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