Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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