hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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