If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
