I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
