bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
