You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
3pm strippers are depressing
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my liver is dry heaving
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
