Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
