White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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