It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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