The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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