If that was your dad, he is hot
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
