I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
