I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize