I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I need to calm my uterus...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
