Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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