I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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