Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
