I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
