I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
