i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
