If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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