just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can't turn off my feet"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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