i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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