o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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