i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
