I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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