so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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