the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
