Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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