You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
