I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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