hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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