Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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