Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
