i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
