Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize