Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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