You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
