Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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