I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
