dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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