I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
